Dark & Light

So… what a Monday… bit of a disclaimer on this one as I after some to and fro-ing about whether I should am going to include references to my sex life and how my mental health/medication have been affecting this. I’ll mark up that section so you can not read it if you don’t want that kind of detail (I mean I won’t describe positions or anything 😛

As the title leans towards… today started very dark and looks to be ending on a much brighter, happier, prouder manner.

Waking up empty

This was a hard morning, one of my worst. Me and the partner had an upset late Sunday when my stupid brain starting feeling all inferior and pathetic and I apologised for being the lame me that I am. This acted like a trigger and after many tears neither of us really knowing what to say we finally got to sleep. (More will be explained later in this blog, the part with the disclaimer)

So you can imagine I woke up feeling pretty miserable… the best thing in my life was on the rocks and I just didn’t see the point of starting my day, it didn’t matter. I lay moving just enough to keep killing my repeating alarm until my husband forced me to get up and go shower for work. It worked, and turned me away from calling in sick and just lying there stopped, stuck. I was still sure I would be useless today but I’d get my ass there anyway.

Muddling through the day

So I was exhausted and I muddled trying to get through a task I knew nothing about. It wasn’t one of my best days. I’d missed my chance to make lunch so I had to go out for something… I narrowly avoided comfort eating at KFC then picked up a tub of cocktail sausages in Tesco (not much better but cheaper certainly).

Things picked up after lunch because I got angry, it is amazing what a bit of anger can do for your energy levels. Anger feels better than the despondence and frustration, but that’s a dangerous road and I’ve seen a friend go down it and not come back. Either way it got me through the rest of the day till home time.

Feeling good about my look

So I had a haircut today, to reshape my new short look. I’d left it a little long to mess about with it while I decided my preferred style. Turns out I am a sweep to the left kind of girl. So now the foibles are fixed and its cut for the way I want it and I can re-adjust and feel good about myself. I also did some nail care so that they aren’t bitten, ratty and messy. It is very hard for me to leave my nails alone but it does make me feel better about myself when they don’t look mangled.

Disclaimer: Sex Life – if you skip this bit just read the last bit in bold 🙂

So the usual thing after a haircut is a shower, I decided pre-shower that I’d do a bit more visual self care and shave. It is tidy and clean and I feel better about it, but I did two areas I don’t usually do and for different reasons. I used the trimmer on my upper lip… now I don’t know if you notice, if it bothers you or if you are lucky enough to avoid it but… women can have a moustache too… it is usually pale and wispy but occasionally part of mine goes darker and it drives me insane… so I randomly decided to tidy it up. I also did my legs, just with the trimmer not a wet shave, just because I thought I’d see how I felt about it.

Queue shower… and as I do I think in the shower. I had thought a bit about it in the morning too but it came around again. Now… I don’t love sharing this part of my life but it is linked into the way I feel and my mental state along with today’s recovery. It isn’t something I am going to bring up a lot and I am most definitely not here to write erotica.

So, most people are aware what depression and medication can do to your libido. Couple that with a largely self esteem based anxiety and a partner with a high sex drive. I can’t say it has been easy these last 5 years and my husband is a saint he really is. I’ve often worried he will get sick of my long off periods and go find someone who wants it all the time and without the potential for upset. This is in fact one of the things that had me with racking tears while he held me until they subsided while I babbled apologies and told him this fear. “That will never happen” words I needed to hear.

So, its been awhile… I’ve been anxious about how I look and depressed so sex became outside my comfort zone. I’m sure many people can relate to this, and you know how comfort zones can be. Moments of intimacy cuddling and kissing were longed for and restorative but if it ramped up my brain froze, I was going to be clumsy and ridiculous and what if I had trouble and this and that… worry, endless worry that led me every time to wind down the situation again.

This is the dyke that broke Sunday night, I was apologising for being me and being rubbish with sex etc. It brought a painful and often skirted set of feeling to the front in both of us and then add into that the guilt of us both feeling guilty for upsetting the other. So I stood in the shower and I thought all this through and I formulated a plan. What facts did I know:

  • he wants to have sex with me
  • he finds me beautiful even if I don’t
  • he knows it may be clumsy, it doesn’t bother him
  • he knows I might struggle, he just wants me to try

What I didn’t know really is why with the man I have loved for nearly 8 years and been married to for nearly a year did I feel the need to save face and be smooth and sexy all the time. Why did I let the prospect that it might be a bit clumsy and messy destroy an intimacy he needed and I often desired. There is probably more to it than this, I’ve never fully understood where the anxiety came from.

So, I put on some nice underwear and a silk house gown and when he got back home I told him that I’d promised him I’d try before, but there were things better than promises… and the rest was really fun if a little awkward… but nothing bad happened when it was clumsy… fancy that.

We both feel better, it may not have been smooth but it was a connection we haven’t had in some time and a ray of hope for that side of my life to come back.

I can probably go to bed tonight and sleep with a smile on my face despite everything else going to pot around me, I know we are going to be okay and I can be proud that I got around an anxiety that has been holding me for some time.

Chores & Hellos

The Chore

Today has been a bit of a doing day… and it has reminded me how much self-care can feel like a chore, an unwanted daily task we should complete. Sometimes it is easy, sometimes you start off fine and then you get half way through and wonder why you started. Sometimes you just can’t get started at all… that can be fine… for a time… but you always need to pick back up and then its even harder because you let it go for awhile.

Today we got the kitchen straight, went shopping for food, did a wash load of clothes each and cooked a nice Sunday lunch. We spaced this out with some TV and gaming at intervals for downtime. So all in all a positive self care day but at the same time I’ve resented it in parts. I still need to put tomorrows lunch together so I don’t end up doing it last minute in the morning (again).

Balancing life can be frustrating, the world moves at 100miles an hour and if we don’t move with it we can be left behind… but is it a bad thing to move at your own pace? I’ve been making a lot of general sweeping statements about how I feel and what I know of depression but it is always important to find your own balance and your own pace. When I write these entries I always want to write everything in my brain at once and have to slim down to just one process.

We need to sleep, shower, shave, brush our teeth, comb/dry our hair, put our makeup on, make sure we have breakfast, make sure we drink, make sure we have lunch, make sure we have tea. We have to go to work, focus on our job and then we socialise and spread ourselves out even further. Each thing by itself is probably fine, but it sounds like a lot… doesn’t it? Fitting it all in can feel like playing tetris until the most tedious activity is dropped… self care.

I wanted to sit and game today, but I had to keep stopping, getting up and looking after things. Gaming has its own aspect of self care but only when rationed and not just used as a method for procrastination from something that needs doing. I do wonder when an entertainment activity is nurturing to our minds, when it is just filling a vacuum of time or when we are using it as an excuse to ‘relax’ and get nothing sustaining done.

Social Thoughts

Something that has popped up on facebook today has had me thinking a lot. It should be visible as the feature image. People can be terrified to say hello to their friends, many of us are trapped in the sensation that we aren’t good enough to be contacted or its not our place to force ourselves on friends. We think if friends haven’t contacted us then they mustn’t want to be our friends or talk to us, maybe we did something wrong or they just feel sorry for us.

If you relate so this, you are probably like me, the kind of person who finds it hard to understand why people like them. I am detachedly aware that I am a nice person, I look after my friends and pay attention to their needs as and when I can and support them whenever possible. I can be smart and witty but I can also be the most dense person that ever exists… but am I really interesting? Why would people want to spend their precious time with me anyway? Sound familiar?

Even if it doesn’t there’s probably been the paranoia moment trying to decide why someone hasn’t answered a message or if you should even send one out. You haven’t seen a friend in awhile so you want to say hi, but maybe its been too long? Would you have anything to talk about anymore? Or the reverse of you only saw them yesterday so would saying something now be seen as smothering? Then you want to be clear your not trying to smother them an end up on some verbal diarrhoea loop about how not smothering you are being and guess what… self fulfilling prophecy.

I’m not sure myself where the right balance is, we all have busy lives, it may take awhile to get a message back. We don’t need to suddenly run off in our heads and think the worst. I always appreciate a friend saying hello, it means they are thinking of me. I’ve seen a message and meant to reply to it then noticed it unanswered days later. It doesn’t mean I care any less for that friend just that I was busy when the message came in. At one point I would be freaked if my partner didn’t text me back and I’d think they’d crashed the car etc etc… but I’ve (mostly) gotten over that. The chances of the big bad are very low and if we expect it all the time we are only going to wear ourselves thin.

I could go no forever on this one so I’ll probably stop there. Hopefully it will at least do for you what it did for me today, seeing just how widespread this belief is and how fallible it is. My parting statement is to just say Hi, worst can happen is they are busy and don’t see it but you might just reconnect.

Work

Here we go again… it is Sunday night, the dreaded Monday looms like an evil Goliath before us… bad self care award. That is what springs straight to mind for a lot of us right? There has to be a way to turn this way of thinking around. I’m not sure what it is yet but it is out there… the backup is always apathy. If you don’t care about work it can;t stress you out, you just go and earn your money. It works for some people, but I always think too much and care too much. especially about the wrong things.

Anger and Talking

So I’ve had a weird one today.

My day started out in a way my days very rarely start out, I was comfortable in bed and didn’t want to wake up or get up so I spent a good couple of hours drifting in and out while my other half buzzed about the house. The poor self care downside of this was I didn’t have breakfast but I got the nearest I get to a relax so win, right?

Anger

But there’s been this thing bubbling under the surface the last few days, an anger that just wanted a reason to let loose. It is normally a one day hormonal response just before my period (sorry guys I said a bad word :P), but this had been hanging around since Thursday. I think its some kind of reaction to the medication increase as it has been a progression from detachment, to apathy, to frustration and then anger through the week but the anger wasn’t abating if anything it was ramping up.

Nothing needed to be wrong I’d just find anything at all to be angry about and if there was no stimulus I’d pick a memory. I could sit there and see how ridiculous it was and I’ve been trying to control my responses a lot the last few days as I’ve been aware of this impulse.

The strange thing was the way I managed to release from this feeling and I don’t entirely understand it. I sat down with my partner and said we need to talk about something (nearly scared the life out of him 😦 ). So I told him how I was feeling and that I wasn’t sure what to do about the fact that it was just ramping up, he’d noticed as he isn’t an idiot and confided that he’s been having similar troubles with getting unreasonably angry. We spent awhile talking it through and when we finished and moved on with our day I came to realise that that build up and feeling that had been with me was just… gone?

Communication Pt2

Now the above would indicate that I am completely right in my earlier post about how important communication is to mental health and relationships; However I have talked with a good friend of mine who always managed to show me the other side of the coin. If we pressure people into communicating and nag them about it there will be a detrimental effect on that persons mental health. Also recognising in a friend when they don’t have the ‘spoons’ or mental energy to deal with other people right now, forcing communication on them at this point can leave them feeling pressured and hounded.

I still believe that you should be open and honest and communicate well about how you feel, BUT I do need to take into account that not everyone is as able to communicate. Also using there words you can set up a feeling of “‘Talk to me or you’ll make my anxiety worse” scenario without ever meaning to.

I’m sure we’ve had those moments where we try and contact someone and they don’t answer and our brains go off imagining all the worst things that could happen. They are usually just busy, or have their own shit going on but our brains can tell us they must be upset with them and then we want to touch base even more and keep messaging… STOP. I struggle with this balance myself, I’m learning to leave alone and give someone room to get their spoons back. With this same friend, if I know they aren’t doing well rather than ask how they are doing and pressure them for an answer I just send them a picture I think they’ll like, and they know I am thinking of them.

Dependence on Medication

There is always more in our heads than we can ever talk about. Today I got through one of the things I have been needing to process for awhile now. I was sat talking with my partner and a sentiment that has been shared before came up “It will be nice when you can start coming off the drugs again.” and it made me stop and pause. It collided in my head with something the HR lady said at work about that no one was pressuring me to come off anti-depressants.

I’ve always had a plan in my mind for getting better and coming off the drugs, its been my constant companion. I’ve never wanted to be dependant on something mind altering that I have to keep remembering to pick up and take. But, and you may disagree, I don’t think this is a thing I need in my mind right now. So you know what my response was? “But I’m not planning on coming off them anymore, I need them. At some point I may feel I don’t and we’ll deal with it, but for now I’ve no plan to come off them.” Paraphrasing as my memory sucks but still you get the point.

Medication, self care, cognitive behavioural therapy, mindfulness or transactional analysis are all just tools that we use to combat the way the modern world makes us feel. We shouldn’t discard any tools that can help us because of a stigma in our heads that we can’t even explain. You wouldn’t tell a diabetic to stop taking insulin so why ask a depressed person to come off anti-depressants?

Lessons and Ideas

Blogging

I seem to have picked up a few followers so my blog can’t be all that bad thus far, thank you anyone that reads and especially those that hit like. On that note I love getting likes, meaning people are reading but part of the idea was to get people talking together and feeling less alone. Just reading can do that but don’t be afraid to comment 🙂 and I am @Bexini on twitter if anyone wants to message outside of word press.

So this is mostly covering a couple of days as I didn’t get a reasoned post out yesterday evening but Powerless and Rocking were some very adhoc stream of consciousness posts I did to help clear my head yesterday. They didn’t seem to take off compared to my other posts and that left me feeling a little disheartened but its bound to happen, hell I could have been writing all week without anyone noticing.

So an important part of this blog is reviewing my self care, why I fail or win and how to improve:

Bad Self Care Points

  • I’ve not been organising my lunches very well so I’ve ended up rushing them in the morning and being stressed about making it to work on time, not the best start to the day.
  • I have also been letting my bedtime slip later even though I know a good solid sleep  will set me up in better stead for the next day.
  • I’ve also not gotten past chapter 4 of the self care project despite the impact the first 4 had on me.
  • Not sure if this is bad self care or just a bad week but it counts as a negative – I have been having  a lot of trouble with getting frustrated and angry very quickly and it is taking  a lot of effort not to let this hurt those around me.

Good Self Care Points

  • kept up making my healthy lunches
  • kept up with the blog
  • got back on the treadmill today despite the heat and exhaustion
  • spent time getting the house tidy and organised
  • made it to the kitty cafe and my writing group

What has been stopping me?

  • I’ve been exhausted since Monday, it seems to come and go with my mood to a degree. This coupled with very sore legs meant I couldn’t exercise more earlier in the week.
  • I’ve had a stress headache on and off for a good portion of the week, even when I don’t have the headache I can feel my scalp. I’ve been doing heat packs and head massages but its just been coming back again.
  • I’ve been feeling detached and yet distraught which has left me kind of confused about what to do with myself. I think this is the increase in my medication settling in but I guess we’ll see how it pans out next week as I am starting to feel more alert again.
  • I’ve certainly not gotten any better at relaxing or winding down properly in the evening, or maybe I just wind up very very fast.

Lessons Learned from the Week

  • Maybe TMI but, my digestive system is certainly appreciating the improved diet with healthier movements and such – some benefits are being masked by whatever is causing the exhaustion I believe.
  • I need to focus on my hydration levels more now that my food habits are improving to keep my system balanced.
  • I need to get back into a good sleeping pattern, to aid this I am going to seriously restrict my caffeine intake if not remove it all together to no caffeine of any kind after 2pm
  • I think I need to pick up meditation again and give myself a chance to detach from the stress and let my body unwind. ( I use this app https://www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app )

It hasn’t been an easy week, or perhaps even a good week. My build up of self care is still very much in progress but that’s just it… it is progress. It doesn’t matter how small the step is if it takes you in the right direction. No one ever said self-care is easy in fact when you get beyond the basics of physical self care that I am currently focusing on it can get really damn hard. After all, who really likes looking at themselves that closely?

Also its starting to feel sunny and alive out in the big wide world. I spotted blossoms today and there are leaves back on some of the trees :). Just need to remember sun lotion, doh!

I am also trying to move at a steady sustainable pace with my improvements. I have put a lot of balls in the air this week and until I can juggle them with confidence I shouldn’t try and add anymore. We all want to be better now, but overloading ourselves isn’t the way to do it in fact a lot of the time we need to reduce the load and focus on doing less things well.

But that’s just what I think, what about you?

Rocking

Today I want to sit in a corner hug my legs and rock. The realisation that right now a simple task can leave me feeling panicked and overwhelmed is… well overwhelming. I feel tight right in my centre and I can feel that need for tears ready to leap up and take over again.

I also feel a little like I am sitting back and watching myself feel this way. I am detached but distraught which makes very little sense to me but since when did emotions make sense? It is probably my mind vs the drugs what my body wants to do vs what the meds are letting it do.

Im afloat on the ocean again without a paddle or so much as a piece of wood from which to let DiCaprio freeze to death. A week of self care and I think the main difference is a better understanding of the whats and why’s of how I am feeling but I haven’t worked on improving my coping mechanisms yet.

But walking away is no solution, neither is stopping in my tracks. I need to find my dinghy and a paddle and get moving sure it will be in circles for awhile but eventually I’ll get some momentum. But I know as you do, it won’t be an easy journey and I don’t have a map to get there yet.

Powerless

This one is a bit of a stream of consciousness I dictated to my phone so forgive the poor formatting.

I just feel powerless there’s so much going on in life that you can’t control and you want to. You want to make your loved ones happy you want to make your friends happy and at the end of the day you just powerless to do anything that isn’t directly you and in your control half the time you can’t even have control over your own life nevermind someone else’s.

It’s bad self care but I think it’s good humanity to want to help your loved ones on your friends but we have to understand the limitations of what we can do for the people and at certain points we also have to understand that they are adults they can take care of their own lives but when you know they’re depressed and you know they’re exhausted and you know they can’t think straight because of the situation; you want to see clearly for them and take care of them as they are just too damn exhausted or depressed to figure it out. But again it’s their life they’re adults they need to take care of themselves and they won’t exactly forgive you for going behind their back to try and help.

On a related topic there are many different areas within self care. For example between me and my husband my physical health comds before taking care of the house but with my husband a larger part of the self care is having a tidy organised clean house and to me that falls behind my own self care. It does drive me mad when the house is a mess but I can always put up with that more than being hungry or feeling lethargic. I only recently started trying to put my own bodily responses first and deal with those to ensure my body is well nourished to give my mind what it needs.

Then you’ve got other aspects of life and the balance between looking after yourself and looking after the ones you care about. I had a comment about someone who learned that lesson sometime ago i.e. realising that they were doing everything for the other half. However, we can’t do things 100% one way or the other. You can’t live just for you, well you can but I don’t feel like its right to live purely for yourself or purely for another person. There needs to a compromise and it doesn’t have to be 50/50 but sometimes you just have to put your partner for a relationship to work. Same goes with your friends, self care isn’t selfish but you need to support the people in your life too.

Interestingly enough what’s different about this post is I’ve dictated it hands free and safe from my car on my way to work. It’s allowed me to think things through that were upsetting me on the way in rather than just driving upset. I constructively thought through the problem and reached the conclusion effectively don’t have any right to interfere however well meaning in might be. I’ve reached this conclusion before but sometimes you have to reach the same conclusion again to justify it back to yourself to let go of guilt that you’re not helping because of the end of the day you’re responsible for you and they are responsible for them.

Kitties, Writing and Coping

Today is a bit of a mixed bag much in the way my mind has been today. I’ve had a bit of time to process a few things and some self-care wins.  I’ve had it going through my mind the different kind of things to write about and then my brain rushes off and wants to do them all at once before I tell it off. I have topics in mind of self-image; a more detailed what is self care post depicting the conclusions I have reached over my first week; more about what self esteem issues can do.

I’m going to split today’s post between something I need to work on, and something that makes me feel better:

Driving

So I consider myself to be a good environmentally friendly safe driver. I adhere to speed limits and if I am just rocking up to stopped traffic I come off the accelerator and just let myself roll up in gear. This is apparently infuriating for a lot of drivers out there and it becomes a game of who can piss each other off the most. My husband tells me to just relax and ignore the other drivers (to the obviously safe extent) rather than focus on how close they are etc. He is probably right but it drives me mad all the same.

I hate driving, I never wanted to drive but I have to admit its convenient when you consider my daily commute would triple in time and money. I find it rage inducing and am often yelling at drivers despite them not being able to hear me. The ones that drive a gnats nadger from your back end… or worse the ones that rev up to your back end then drop back trying to get you to speed up.

I’ve not been able to find an equilibrium where I just drive as safe as I can without this kind of behaviour winding me up. Bad self care award here.

Then there is the other side of the coin, the drivers who are doing 10 under the limit for no apparent reason. Now I may not speed but I drive as fast as is safe or legal so I don’t hold up other traffic. Then you try and let someone out and they won’t look in your direction and as soon as you give up and start moving they realise and dash forward nearly crashing into you. It just drives me insane 😦

Work

I am a radio frequency engineer dealing with combline, waveguide, SSS and LEF filters; my partner in crime moved on before xmas and trying to do your job and the job of someone with 20 years more experience than you just sucks big time. It was always going to… but we are also a niche area and its extremely hard to replace a senior engineer position.  The whole thing has left me fed up, burnt out and all-round stressed out and exhausted. I’m still not entirely sure how to deal with any of this but at least work know about it and are trying to help me deal. I have to do my job, I don’t have the support of the more experienced engineer anymore… somehow I have to handle this, it just is.

Food

I am giving a lot of focus to what I eat at the moment, and by golly my digestive system is most confused. I can just imagine it sitting there an going ‘what is this, this isn’t meat, pasta, bread or rice… what do you expect me to do with it?’. I am trying to introduce veg or fruit into all my meals, except breakfast which is fortified cereal to hopefully increase my iron and vitamin intake. If you are following you’ll have seen the bento box.

I need to expand into the realms of beans, seeds, lentils, pulses and the like to replace by usual meat heavy diet. I also need to re-find the balance of filling vs not taking 5 years to eat because there is so much salad! I’ve done slimming world before so I am trying to keep that in mind without directly calorie counting as the main focus is variety of nutritional foods.

I found a good article on blurtfoundation’s website about good foods in this respect here: https://www.blurtitout.org/2016/03/02/depression-foods-that-boost-mood-and-energy/

Exercise

I’ve decided I definitely screwed the pooch by being OTT over the weekend with our new mini gym in the spare room. My legs have only just recovered and I’ve spent the last two days beyond exhausted. This could also be the diet change and the drug increase but I’m not so sure. I had a chat with a friend yesterday about getting a goal in so I have something to work towards. My partner has signed up to total warrior so I am thinking for myself either something triathlon related or maybe 5k/10k fun runs, maybe even for charity.

I do have to balance off how much my body can take and what I can practically fit in around my already rather full calendar. 3 different types of training in a week just won’t work but I can do an alternating set of 3 weeks or just a daily walk on the treadmill with some weights but Much lighter than this weekends attempt.

It is a work in progress, my main goal is to relieve stress and improve my muscle tone and stamina.

Kitty Cafe – Leeds

This is something I started a couple of months ago with self care in mind. I love cats but my partner is allergic and we value our furniture staying in one piece even if he wasn’t. So I get some time out each week around animals I enjoy without any of the messy looking after. They also have a very wide range of teas and cakes and do some good if not overly large portions of pasta, pizzas and jacket potato’s so I can have food as well.

The cats moods and behaviours vary week to week. This week Soot came and has a snooze next to us and then decided to climb over my two friends before returning for another snooze. I got to play with Pumpkin and gained myself a scratch for the pleasure but all in all it was a nice day I got more interaction than the previous week certainly. I have yet to have Nutmeg fall asleep in my lap though,  so jealous of the people she has chosen.

Creative Writing Meetup

I’ve been following up my kitty relax with working on my novel, admittedly today I am writing my blog instead but the muse can’t always be with us and I am still using my time constructively. This is the group I go to: https://www.meetup.com/en-AU/Leeds-Writing-Meetup/

We meet once or twice a week depending on the week. Mondays is more of a discussion and interactive day while Wednesday is a focused time writing in 200 degrees cafe: https://200degs.com/leeds-bond-street and move on for a social afterwards where we talk about a variety of things including what we are writing.

So I have wanted to be a writer since I was 10 or even before that, it grew with my love of reading books. I wrote my first book between the ages of 12 and 14 and while a decent accomplishment for that age it was a far cry from anything that anyone else would want to read, just a happy little delusion of mine all hand written out on A4 paper and put in a big green folder. I have spent a lot of time very on and off spread out over the years re-writing bits and making stabs at a second more coherent draft. So this is a 20+ year dream I am not much closer to achieving for various reasons 😦

I want to finish it, I want to publish it. I want someone to enjoy reading my book and with the same reverence I have given authors wonder how they managed to come up with such amazing ideas. I don’t expect to be the next J.K.Rowling but it would be a lifelong dream realised just to be published and if even one person enjoys reading it I’ve accomplished something. I have two more books planned in the same universe to follow up but being a realist and making sure the first book can stand alone without leaving readers in the lurch.

Plans for the coming weeks

So my main focus is still diet, exercise and sleep making sure my core self care is in place. But I’ll need to expand this out and take a more critical look at my life in the coming weeks. Find out where else I am dropping the ball and making sure in the process of making my own self-care better than I don’t become negligent of my partner and friends.

I also have a lot of work to do on anger management, coping mechanisms at work and self-image therapy amongst other things. Not to mention making sure I keep up to what I have started and don’t just go ‘oh i feel a bit better it can all stop now’.

Of course I am nowhere near there yet, after a 24hour headache I just wanted to curl up and cry this morning. I got angry at anything and everything I was trying to do as it was all just stupid and frustrating. I lost all appetite for my healthy lunch I had prepared but forced it down because my body needed the nutrition. Go me! It was a close call on leaving in in the fridge and going down to the KFC though :/

So… is it working? Well I’m feeling better than this time last week, but it isn’t any kind of miracle cure and it hasn’t become habit yet, I’ve already had moments of wanted to just slip back and where the energy comes to not do it I’m really not sure but at least I’ve found it.