It has been to put it lightly a pretty horrible month or so and I’ve put myself through a pretty unpleasant roller coaster. I do find it amazing how sick our minds can make our bodies feel. It is also fairly remarkable how easy it is to slip and drop off a good self care routine even when you are trying to keep it in mind. I want to thank my friends and people I know for continuing to put up with me while I have a bit of a meltdown, I know it can’t be easy.
So as you can probably tell by the featured image, I’ve been back to the doctor and had my medication change. Increasing my citalopram to 40mg was from my current viewpoint a big mistake, it didn’t help with the anxiety and made me feel physically worse.
So I’m going back down to 30mg were I was reasonably stable at one point and introducing a new friend called beta blockers. My doctor described these as a way to reduce the physical manifestation of anxiety, this should make me feel less ill and more able to work around the way I am feeling.
So as part of trying to improve my body I have booked in a deep tissue massage. I am hoping this will set my muscles on the road to recovery from the extreme tension my anxiety has been putting them under. I am also trying heat packs across the neck/shoulders and meditation whilst dropping off in bed to release the muscles. I have been trying a product called Rescue Remedy but I think all I’ve managed to achieve with this is getting dozy and sleepy, either way with the change in meds I am going to cease using these.
I applied to Leeds IAPT a couple of weeks ago and I expect it to be twice as long again before I hear back. In the meantime my workplace have an agreement with a counselling company so I am going to give them a call and see what kind of help they can offer.
I know this helps, but I’ve been so drained and inclined to give in to that feeling and sleep that I’ve let it slide away. We have a rowing machine, treadmill and set of free weights in the house and I have a gym membership at exercise for less and yet… yeah…
So right now I feel sleepy and my eyes feel tired and I want to have a nice nap… so what I am going to do once I have finished writing this is make a cup of tea, pour myself a pint of water and get set up watching an episode of supernatural while I have a walk of the treadmill. It may not be a hard session but I am going to get myself moving.
I’ve ordered some lavender pillows from a friend that I am hoping will help with the sleeping. It seems to be working for my partner but we are only on day 3. Another thing I am doing is restricting caffeinated drinks after 6pm i.e. preferably non. I’m not a fan of decaf so I have some herbal infusions and naturally caffeine free Rooibos if I want a hot drink. Also experimenting with the use of Horlicks
I want to resume being in bed by 10pm giving myself a chance at 8 hours sleep maximum in the hopes that I get 7 or more rather than just over 6.
My diet hasn’t gone so well along with the exercise, too many easy option takeaways and not enough vitamins etc. Been trying to keep up my increased water intake but that’s always going to be a struggle for me. We’ve bought in salad materials for lunches, I got half way there today by making sandwiches but due to a low mood last night didn’t make enough time for the salad side, but steps forward.
I often have issues with gearing up my head for large social situations, loud pubs and drinking rather than a quiet sit and chat are more of a challenge. Part of my way of dealing with this is I try to get to events early so the noise etc can build up around me rather than walking into a wall of noise and people.
I often have an urge to draw back and not put people out having to talk to me, or just avoid situations where I can as I often do, put my foot in it or make a fool of myself. This doesn’t mean I value my friends any less or that I don’t want to spend time with them, just sometimes it is harder than other times.
I’ve been keeping up with the Kitty Cafe, it gives me something to look forward to every week even if I may want to yell abuse at First Bus some weeks for failing to get me there.
I’ve not been making it to my creative writing group for a little while now, hoping in the next week or two I can get back on track with that once my energy levels are back up. I’ve gotten in plenty of TV with binge watching Star Trek Next Gen and Supernatural but I’ve not had enough concentration for Anime which is annoying because we are part way through quite a few series I really want to pick back up but dubbing is just bad and subtitles sadly take more effort.
So, I never got past chapter 5 in the Self Care Diary that inspired this blog, something else I have to rectify. I also have all the things I’ve stated above, so there is a plan of action floating around I just need to piece it all together. Wish me Luck!