Dark & Light

So… what a Monday… bit of a disclaimer on this one as I after some to and fro-ing about whether I should am going to include references to my sex life and how my mental health/medication have been affecting this. I’ll mark up that section so you can not read it if you don’t want that kind of detail (I mean I won’t describe positions or anything 😛

As the title leans towards… today started very dark and looks to be ending on a much brighter, happier, prouder manner.

Waking up empty

This was a hard morning, one of my worst. Me and the partner had an upset late Sunday when my stupid brain starting feeling all inferior and pathetic and I apologised for being the lame me that I am. This acted like a trigger and after many tears neither of us really knowing what to say we finally got to sleep. (More will be explained later in this blog, the part with the disclaimer)

So you can imagine I woke up feeling pretty miserable… the best thing in my life was on the rocks and I just didn’t see the point of starting my day, it didn’t matter. I lay moving just enough to keep killing my repeating alarm until my husband forced me to get up and go shower for work. It worked, and turned me away from calling in sick and just lying there stopped, stuck. I was still sure I would be useless today but I’d get my ass there anyway.

Muddling through the day

So I was exhausted and I muddled trying to get through a task I knew nothing about. It wasn’t one of my best days. I’d missed my chance to make lunch so I had to go out for something… I narrowly avoided comfort eating at KFC then picked up a tub of cocktail sausages in Tesco (not much better but cheaper certainly).

Things picked up after lunch because I got angry, it is amazing what a bit of anger can do for your energy levels. Anger feels better than the despondence and frustration, but that’s a dangerous road and I’ve seen a friend go down it and not come back. Either way it got me through the rest of the day till home time.

Feeling good about my look

So I had a haircut today, to reshape my new short look. I’d left it a little long to mess about with it while I decided my preferred style. Turns out I am a sweep to the left kind of girl. So now the foibles are fixed and its cut for the way I want it and I can re-adjust and feel good about myself. I also did some nail care so that they aren’t bitten, ratty and messy. It is very hard for me to leave my nails alone but it does make me feel better about myself when they don’t look mangled.

Disclaimer: Sex Life – if you skip this bit just read the last bit in bold 🙂

So the usual thing after a haircut is a shower, I decided pre-shower that I’d do a bit more visual self care and shave. It is tidy and clean and I feel better about it, but I did two areas I don’t usually do and for different reasons. I used the trimmer on my upper lip… now I don’t know if you notice, if it bothers you or if you are lucky enough to avoid it but… women can have a moustache too… it is usually pale and wispy but occasionally part of mine goes darker and it drives me insane… so I randomly decided to tidy it up. I also did my legs, just with the trimmer not a wet shave, just because I thought I’d see how I felt about it.

Queue shower… and as I do I think in the shower. I had thought a bit about it in the morning too but it came around again. Now… I don’t love sharing this part of my life but it is linked into the way I feel and my mental state along with today’s recovery. It isn’t something I am going to bring up a lot and I am most definitely not here to write erotica.

So, most people are aware what depression and medication can do to your libido. Couple that with a largely self esteem based anxiety and a partner with a high sex drive. I can’t say it has been easy these last 5 years and my husband is a saint he really is. I’ve often worried he will get sick of my long off periods and go find someone who wants it all the time and without the potential for upset. This is in fact one of the things that had me with racking tears while he held me until they subsided while I babbled apologies and told him this fear. “That will never happen” words I needed to hear.

So, its been awhile… I’ve been anxious about how I look and depressed so sex became outside my comfort zone. I’m sure many people can relate to this, and you know how comfort zones can be. Moments of intimacy cuddling and kissing were longed for and restorative but if it ramped up my brain froze, I was going to be clumsy and ridiculous and what if I had trouble and this and that… worry, endless worry that led me every time to wind down the situation again.

This is the dyke that broke Sunday night, I was apologising for being me and being rubbish with sex etc. It brought a painful and often skirted set of feeling to the front in both of us and then add into that the guilt of us both feeling guilty for upsetting the other. So I stood in the shower and I thought all this through and I formulated a plan. What facts did I know:

  • he wants to have sex with me
  • he finds me beautiful even if I don’t
  • he knows it may be clumsy, it doesn’t bother him
  • he knows I might struggle, he just wants me to try

What I didn’t know really is why with the man I have loved for nearly 8 years and been married to for nearly a year did I feel the need to save face and be smooth and sexy all the time. Why did I let the prospect that it might be a bit clumsy and messy destroy an intimacy he needed and I often desired. There is probably more to it than this, I’ve never fully understood where the anxiety came from.

So, I put on some nice underwear and a silk house gown and when he got back home I told him that I’d promised him I’d try before, but there were things better than promises… and the rest was really fun if a little awkward… but nothing bad happened when it was clumsy… fancy that.

We both feel better, it may not have been smooth but it was a connection we haven’t had in some time and a ray of hope for that side of my life to come back.

I can probably go to bed tonight and sleep with a smile on my face despite everything else going to pot around me, I know we are going to be okay and I can be proud that I got around an anxiety that has been holding me for some time.

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