So I’ve had a weird one today.
My day started out in a way my days very rarely start out, I was comfortable in bed and didn’t want to wake up or get up so I spent a good couple of hours drifting in and out while my other half buzzed about the house. The poor self care downside of this was I didn’t have breakfast but I got the nearest I get to a relax so win, right?
But there’s been this thing bubbling under the surface the last few days, an anger that just wanted a reason to let loose. It is normally a one day hormonal response just before my period (sorry guys I said a bad word :P), but this had been hanging around since Thursday. I think its some kind of reaction to the medication increase as it has been a progression from detachment, to apathy, to frustration and then anger through the week but the anger wasn’t abating if anything it was ramping up.
Nothing needed to be wrong I’d just find anything at all to be angry about and if there was no stimulus I’d pick a memory. I could sit there and see how ridiculous it was and I’ve been trying to control my responses a lot the last few days as I’ve been aware of this impulse.
The strange thing was the way I managed to release from this feeling and I don’t entirely understand it. I sat down with my partner and said we need to talk about something (nearly scared the life out of him 😦 ). So I told him how I was feeling and that I wasn’t sure what to do about the fact that it was just ramping up, he’d noticed as he isn’t an idiot and confided that he’s been having similar troubles with getting unreasonably angry. We spent awhile talking it through and when we finished and moved on with our day I came to realise that that build up and feeling that had been with me was just… gone?
Now the above would indicate that I am completely right in my earlier post about how important communication is to mental health and relationships; However I have talked with a good friend of mine who always managed to show me the other side of the coin. If we pressure people into communicating and nag them about it there will be a detrimental effect on that persons mental health. Also recognising in a friend when they don’t have the ‘spoons’ or mental energy to deal with other people right now, forcing communication on them at this point can leave them feeling pressured and hounded.
I still believe that you should be open and honest and communicate well about how you feel, BUT I do need to take into account that not everyone is as able to communicate. Also using there words you can set up a feeling of “‘Talk to me or you’ll make my anxiety worse” scenario without ever meaning to.
I’m sure we’ve had those moments where we try and contact someone and they don’t answer and our brains go off imagining all the worst things that could happen. They are usually just busy, or have their own shit going on but our brains can tell us they must be upset with them and then we want to touch base even more and keep messaging… STOP. I struggle with this balance myself, I’m learning to leave alone and give someone room to get their spoons back. With this same friend, if I know they aren’t doing well rather than ask how they are doing and pressure them for an answer I just send them a picture I think they’ll like, and they know I am thinking of them.
Dependence on Medication
There is always more in our heads than we can ever talk about. Today I got through one of the things I have been needing to process for awhile now. I was sat talking with my partner and a sentiment that has been shared before came up “It will be nice when you can start coming off the drugs again.” and it made me stop and pause. It collided in my head with something the HR lady said at work about that no one was pressuring me to come off anti-depressants.
I’ve always had a plan in my mind for getting better and coming off the drugs, its been my constant companion. I’ve never wanted to be dependant on something mind altering that I have to keep remembering to pick up and take. But, and you may disagree, I don’t think this is a thing I need in my mind right now. So you know what my response was? “But I’m not planning on coming off them anymore, I need them. At some point I may feel I don’t and we’ll deal with it, but for now I’ve no plan to come off them.” Paraphrasing as my memory sucks but still you get the point.
Medication, self care, cognitive behavioural therapy, mindfulness or transactional analysis are all just tools that we use to combat the way the modern world makes us feel. We shouldn’t discard any tools that can help us because of a stigma in our heads that we can’t even explain. You wouldn’t tell a diabetic to stop taking insulin so why ask a depressed person to come off anti-depressants?