Today is a bit of a mixed bag much in the way my mind has been today. I’ve had a bit of time to process a few things and some self-care wins. I’ve had it going through my mind the different kind of things to write about and then my brain rushes off and wants to do them all at once before I tell it off. I have topics in mind of self-image; a more detailed what is self care post depicting the conclusions I have reached over my first week; more about what self esteem issues can do.
I’m going to split today’s post between something I need to work on, and something that makes me feel better:
So I consider myself to be a good environmentally friendly safe driver. I adhere to speed limits and if I am just rocking up to stopped traffic I come off the accelerator and just let myself roll up in gear. This is apparently infuriating for a lot of drivers out there and it becomes a game of who can piss each other off the most. My husband tells me to just relax and ignore the other drivers (to the obviously safe extent) rather than focus on how close they are etc. He is probably right but it drives me mad all the same.
I hate driving, I never wanted to drive but I have to admit its convenient when you consider my daily commute would triple in time and money. I find it rage inducing and am often yelling at drivers despite them not being able to hear me. The ones that drive a gnats nadger from your back end… or worse the ones that rev up to your back end then drop back trying to get you to speed up.
I’ve not been able to find an equilibrium where I just drive as safe as I can without this kind of behaviour winding me up. Bad self care award here.
Then there is the other side of the coin, the drivers who are doing 10 under the limit for no apparent reason. Now I may not speed but I drive as fast as is safe or legal so I don’t hold up other traffic. Then you try and let someone out and they won’t look in your direction and as soon as you give up and start moving they realise and dash forward nearly crashing into you. It just drives me insane 😦
I am a radio frequency engineer dealing with combline, waveguide, SSS and LEF filters; my partner in crime moved on before xmas and trying to do your job and the job of someone with 20 years more experience than you just sucks big time. It was always going to… but we are also a niche area and its extremely hard to replace a senior engineer position. The whole thing has left me fed up, burnt out and all-round stressed out and exhausted. I’m still not entirely sure how to deal with any of this but at least work know about it and are trying to help me deal. I have to do my job, I don’t have the support of the more experienced engineer anymore… somehow I have to handle this, it just is.
I am giving a lot of focus to what I eat at the moment, and by golly my digestive system is most confused. I can just imagine it sitting there an going ‘what is this, this isn’t meat, pasta, bread or rice… what do you expect me to do with it?’. I am trying to introduce veg or fruit into all my meals, except breakfast which is fortified cereal to hopefully increase my iron and vitamin intake. If you are following you’ll have seen the bento box.
I need to expand into the realms of beans, seeds, lentils, pulses and the like to replace by usual meat heavy diet. I also need to re-find the balance of filling vs not taking 5 years to eat because there is so much salad! I’ve done slimming world before so I am trying to keep that in mind without directly calorie counting as the main focus is variety of nutritional foods.
I found a good article on blurtfoundation’s website about good foods in this respect here: https://www.blurtitout.org/2016/03/02/depression-foods-that-boost-mood-and-energy/
I’ve decided I definitely screwed the pooch by being OTT over the weekend with our new mini gym in the spare room. My legs have only just recovered and I’ve spent the last two days beyond exhausted. This could also be the diet change and the drug increase but I’m not so sure. I had a chat with a friend yesterday about getting a goal in so I have something to work towards. My partner has signed up to total warrior so I am thinking for myself either something triathlon related or maybe 5k/10k fun runs, maybe even for charity.
I do have to balance off how much my body can take and what I can practically fit in around my already rather full calendar. 3 different types of training in a week just won’t work but I can do an alternating set of 3 weeks or just a daily walk on the treadmill with some weights but Much lighter than this weekends attempt.
It is a work in progress, my main goal is to relieve stress and improve my muscle tone and stamina.
Kitty Cafe – Leeds
This is something I started a couple of months ago with self care in mind. I love cats but my partner is allergic and we value our furniture staying in one piece even if he wasn’t. So I get some time out each week around animals I enjoy without any of the messy looking after. They also have a very wide range of teas and cakes and do some good if not overly large portions of pasta, pizzas and jacket potato’s so I can have food as well.
The cats moods and behaviours vary week to week. This week Soot came and has a snooze next to us and then decided to climb over my two friends before returning for another snooze. I got to play with Pumpkin and gained myself a scratch for the pleasure but all in all it was a nice day I got more interaction than the previous week certainly. I have yet to have Nutmeg fall asleep in my lap though, so jealous of the people she has chosen.
Creative Writing Meetup
I’ve been following up my kitty relax with working on my novel, admittedly today I am writing my blog instead but the muse can’t always be with us and I am still using my time constructively. This is the group I go to: https://www.meetup.com/en-AU/Leeds-Writing-Meetup/
We meet once or twice a week depending on the week. Mondays is more of a discussion and interactive day while Wednesday is a focused time writing in 200 degrees cafe: https://200degs.com/leeds-bond-street and move on for a social afterwards where we talk about a variety of things including what we are writing.
So I have wanted to be a writer since I was 10 or even before that, it grew with my love of reading books. I wrote my first book between the ages of 12 and 14 and while a decent accomplishment for that age it was a far cry from anything that anyone else would want to read, just a happy little delusion of mine all hand written out on A4 paper and put in a big green folder. I have spent a lot of time very on and off spread out over the years re-writing bits and making stabs at a second more coherent draft. So this is a 20+ year dream I am not much closer to achieving for various reasons 😦
I want to finish it, I want to publish it. I want someone to enjoy reading my book and with the same reverence I have given authors wonder how they managed to come up with such amazing ideas. I don’t expect to be the next J.K.Rowling but it would be a lifelong dream realised just to be published and if even one person enjoys reading it I’ve accomplished something. I have two more books planned in the same universe to follow up but being a realist and making sure the first book can stand alone without leaving readers in the lurch.
Plans for the coming weeks
So my main focus is still diet, exercise and sleep making sure my core self care is in place. But I’ll need to expand this out and take a more critical look at my life in the coming weeks. Find out where else I am dropping the ball and making sure in the process of making my own self-care better than I don’t become negligent of my partner and friends.
I also have a lot of work to do on anger management, coping mechanisms at work and self-image therapy amongst other things. Not to mention making sure I keep up to what I have started and don’t just go ‘oh i feel a bit better it can all stop now’.
Of course I am nowhere near there yet, after a 24hour headache I just wanted to curl up and cry this morning. I got angry at anything and everything I was trying to do as it was all just stupid and frustrating. I lost all appetite for my healthy lunch I had prepared but forced it down because my body needed the nutrition. Go me! It was a close call on leaving in in the fridge and going down to the KFC though
So… is it working? Well I’m feeling better than this time last week, but it isn’t any kind of miracle cure and it hasn’t become habit yet, I’ve already had moments of wanted to just slip back and where the energy comes to not do it I’m really not sure but at least I’ve found it.