So I had the very unpleasant experience of an Endoscopy Wednesday to try and find out why I have acid re-flux a lot. Everything looked healthy so still no answers and my last test is an ultrasound to look for ant kind of gallstones etc in my system. At this point it is starting to look like diet or stress is the cause. This is going to lead to quite a few changes after Xmas, or I should probably start right away.
I want to lose 1-2 stone in weight to get comfortably back into size 12 jeans rather than having to go up to 16 which I am currently refusing to do and my 14’s are near cutting me into 2… that can’t be helping. I’ve been trying to ‘be okay’ with my body in its current state but I’m not really sure if this is because I think its good for my head or I am just too lazy to do anything about it. Partially at least I feel like I’ve had enough mental health issues to deal with without adding body issues into the mix again.
My body just doesn’t seem to agree. It can be hard balancing all of life’s wants and needs sometimes. We all have responsibilities to others whether this is family, friends or the workplace and then we have internal responsibilities for self care & self compassion and it can be easy to feel overwhelmed by it all. Then we have purely external stresses which we know are going to affect us but we don’t know how yet… like Brexit. Its like a monster looming over the horizon and the politics of it is splashed everywhere its unavoidable. It is going to have a large effect on how many peoples lives run and most of us are powerless to effect it.
“Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can”
Trying to sift through and work out what to ‘accept’ or put aside can be damned difficult. Working out what we need to do, what we want to do, what we ‘should’ do. Sometimes it is about learning to put yourself first without the guilt of feeling selfish.
Self compassion tells us that it is okay to put self care first, that neglecting ourselves is only hurting ourselves and setting us up to fail because we constantly drain ourselves without replenishing our reserves. Self care always needs to be there at least in the background if not the foreground, reminding us to take care of ourselves. We live in a world that is so mentally destructive that even the best self-care regime can’t always save us from pain. I guess that is where the mindfulness idea of judgement free acceptance comes in. Mindfulness tries to teach us to work with ourselves and situations as they are rather than judge them and fight against it.
With everything going on I guess its not too surprising I’ve been hitting the feeling of overwhelm again, the break really didn’t last that long. Listing out the things that need prioritising can help you organise but sometimes it just makes the amount of things super scary.
- weight loss
- reducing acid in diet
- healthy eating
- social life
- relaxation time
- house tidying/cleaning
A common term used these days is the term ‘adulting’ which covers pretty much everything that required any level of adult responsibility. For many of us adulting is a plague we don’t want to do and can’t get away from. I want to game, read, write, listen to music, snuggle my husband and so many other things but what I have to do is go to work, go food shopping, tidy the house and keep it clean… and it just sucks.
I am trying to remove these negative connotations in my head and focus on the positives but its frigging difficult. Sometimes I think I am wired just to be a lazy ignorant bum and its only necessity that drags me out of it. I can’t imagine these days how I ever dragged my but through University enough to get a 2:1 never mind how I’ve managed to get two engineering jobs and hold onto them. Fecking impostor syndrome.
So I was trying to create positive advice out of my current conundrum and I haven’t really succeeded. C’est la vie….
Something I’ve come to realise recently, or rediscover is how much anxiety lies to us.
I have had quite a few occurrences recently when I have been seriously wound up or anxious about something for days to the point of not sleeping or eating properly or being too distracted to do anything productive. Do you know what nasty bad things happened to me when the source of the anxiety happened? Absolutely nothing…
I stressed about the endoscopy and sure it was unpleasant but it wasn’t worth 3 days of completely freaking out for a 5 minute unpleasant procedure. I barely slept worrying what I was walking back into at work the next day after a day off… nothing bad happened. I worried on and off for weeks about a family get together and ran through how many ways it could go wrong… I actually quite enjoyed myself even though it was a little surreal as its been years since I’ve seen everyone.
Sadly I also managed to drink all the wrong drinks to stay sober and awake and seem to have made a particularly nasty acid making concoction with too much caffeine in my body so I both feel very sick and too wired to sleep even though I’m exhausted. It appears that’s how you get a blog post cos my heads full with nowhere to go. I to and fro about why I write these things, it helps me think through and process some things… I also hope it inspired others or just makes them feel less alone with the mental mess… I would love more feedback or discussion on posts but we can’t have everything,
So long and goodnight,